Mommas don't break

Okay, so I guess this blog is supposed to be about my 2 nuggets, but since this sort of thing could affect them, I guess I can include this entry here...

So. Me. Hi. I'm 36 years old, a generally healthy gal who is vegetarian (2-1/2 months of not being so in the last 2-ish years and a previous 8-year spell prior to my pregnancy with my daughter). I enjoy running and yoga, but haven't dedicated so much as one afternoon to either of those things in such a long time... many plans, yes, but most of the time, something gets in the way... namely sleep, rest, or just plain procrastination.

I've worked nights for 6 years now (my alter ego of Medical Transcriptionist Superwoman) and am a student and Momma during daylight hours. (We burn that proverbial candle at both ends a LOT around here!)

Don't smoke. Never even tried a cigarette. Tried some "dip" back in high school when my then-baseball-playing boyfriend dared me.

I could probably count on my hands how many times I've been truly, bonafide DRUNK in my life, but enjoy red wine on occasion... Wish I had the time to learn more about it as the history and art of it all intrigues me. I call myself a 2-glasses girl. Once I'm 2 glasses in, it's time to cork the bottle or I'll be sick.

I love sweets. I love to bake. I love candy. Sure, I probably have more than I need on occasion, but for the most part, it's only once in a while.

My only true vice has been Diet Coke. I love it. It's like crack... My mouth waters in a Pavlovian response when I see the sparkly, bubbly commercials and the pretty, thin movie-starlets who guzzle its brown goodness as the condensation sexily trickles down the glass they're holding... but even with the Diet Coke, I get on this roller coaster of convincing myself it has to STOP. I've found that when I throw in the towel and have them almost daily, I want more... but when I abstain, I don't really care for it...

...someone remind me the next time I see Don Rumsfeld to ask him about why he'd introduce such an evil excitotoxin into the world, okay? Aspartame is the reason I try to limit my consumption of Diet Coke... in studies, it's shown to cause holes in the brains of mice and different types of cancer... it's ugly stuff. Sure, it's given to these lab animals in lethal and unbearing dosages...

However, if someone asked you to sample something known to cause cancer AT ALL, why would you put it in your mouth?????

Yeah, I don't know either -- ask me the next time I'm in excitotoxin bliss while I'm wiping the condensation off of my pinky from the cold, frosty glass of Diet Coke I'm drinking.

So, that said, why am I talking about all this stuff?


I'm thoroughly supportive of preventative care. We are blessed with decent insurance (even though it's getting worse and worse every year), so having our dental cleanings every 6 months, eye visits once a year, and physicals and well-person exams once a year is a MUST in this household. If we are blessed with easy accessiblity and have the financial ability, it's GOING to happen.

That said, I go for my well-woman exams every year as we all should.

Since August of 2008, I've had 7 exams. That's about 3 a year, not one. Why? Because of those 7 exams, 6 have been abnormal.

The abnormalities have ranged from simply "abnormal cells" to deeper lesions that suggest precancerous cells on the Pap slides.

I've had 2 colposcopies with biopsies of the cervix, as well. Both of those were abnormal.

If you decide to learn more about this on the internet, you'll find that the big Bull's Eye for almost any type of cervical dysplasia is a virus called HPV. "Human Papilloma Virus" is the whole name. Apparently, it's sexually transmitted and about 80% of women have had it at some point.

When your gynecologist sees you have an abnormal Pap smear, they will test you for HPV. If you show positive, they then usually become more aggressive with their treatment of the abnormalities because HPV positivity can more easily turn the abnormalities into cancer if left unattended.

Here's where my case becomes unique. I've always been HPV-negative.

The types of abnormalities seen on my Pap smears aren't usually seen with women who are HPV-negative.

In other words, if I HAD HPV, there would be an easy explanation for why I've had abnormal Pap smears since 2008... it would be the virus causing it.


Moving on, with my last exam, I had yet another abnormality show up. This time it was for an abnormality of a type of cells that grows in the uterus. These are very rarely seen on a Pap smear. Something like 0.18% to 0.74% of all Pap smears show this type of cell. That's less than 1%, folks.

When it came back from the pathologist, my gynecologist wasn't familiar with it and had to call the path lab to have them further explain it.

In the back-and-forth of all of this and my researching of the official name of the abnormality (AGUS - atypical glandular cells of undetermined significance), I started to wonder if my leukopenia (abnormal low white blood cell count) may have a role in all of this. I did a search in our insurance company's provider directory and found a gynecologic oncologist. The one that came up was with the same group of physicians at a clinic I went to for my leukopenia a couple of years back. I asked my gynecologist to refer me for a consult.

When I got the call with the referral, the nurse said that my gynecologist was actually going to release my care over to the gynecologic oncologist and that with the AGUS abnormality, it wasn't a bad idea.

During the consult with my gynecologic oncologist, she looked over my labs and immediately looked up and said, "I think we should perform a cone biopsy and a D&C just to rule out everything and get a good look at what's going on."

I said, "Do you think that there's a chance my low white count could be keeping me from healing these abnormalities on my own?"

"Sure it could," she said.


This was pivotal for me. For years after the discovery of my low white blood cell counts, the doctors and specialists have always come to the conclusion that it's idiopathic (no explanation for it) and that I'm "just like that." I've had a battery of blood tests and even a bone marrow biopsy to be given the "no explanation" answer. I didn't like that.

I was afraid that with these abnormalities on my Pap smears and no true answer for them (negative HPV results), I'd be shoved off into the "idopathic" category again and ignored... this type of thing is why people have abnormalities that turn into cancer and it's not discovered until it's too late.

Finally, I felt like I had a doctor who wasn't going to tell me not to worry about the abnormality and to just "watch it."

This doctor, my gynecologic oncologist, was FINALLY someone who wanted to really get in there and get to the nitty gritty of it and get a good enough look at what's going on to rule out all that she could or to at least maybe get more answers.

If cancer is what I've been afraid of, I now have the superwoman of gynecologic cancers on the job to figure it out.


Sooooo, long story short, I go in for surgery March 15th (beware the ides of March!) for a cold knife conization of the cervix and a dilatation and curettage of the uterus. In other words, she'll be taking a really large biopsy of most of the opening area of my cervix and will simply scrape the lining of my uterus (womb).

The scariest part of all of this isn't the surgery or general anesthesia (although that wigs me out big time), but rather, the followup appointment where she tells me what she found in there.

I will say this, though... with the AGUS abnormality being the most alarming, she DID say that usually with patients who are HPV negative, it will usually bring about a benign pathology result. I've got my fingers crossed!


Sometimes when saying my prayers, I get a bit of a pit in my stomach praying for selfish things - things just for me. I'm so used to taking care of everyone else that it seems almost awkward to think of myself... But when it comes to something that could affect my children - by way of me - it's suddenly not so much of a challenge to start those prayers and preparations...

Mommas don't break. We gotta be strong for our babies. When Momma's healthy, the kids are healthy (or at least healthier). We need strong hearts, strong minds... and strong bodies. The better off we are, the better off they are.


So I guess, in a round-about way, this journal entry was, indeed, something about my children. Maybe parts of it seemed a little "too much" to put out here on the internet for people to snoop around in... but knowledge is power. If someone were to stumble upon this entry and not know me at all but maybe found something in common with my situation, then maybe it'll help them some... give them courage to chase it a little more and get the care they need.


I should know by the end of March a little more about what's going on. Hopefully, there won't be anything in there that needs further surgery or more invasive treatment. We won't be using the "C-word" in this house unless the doctor says it's time to.

However, from here forward, I'm certainly not ashamed to ask for that extra handful of "good thoughts" or to add my name to that long list of who you pray for before you go to bed at night... So if you gotta spare line at the end of that long list, would ya? *wink*