Bryce's First Day(s) of School

Written 9/16/2010

Tuesday went relatively well. Bryce went into the classroom, went to the play area, and immediately began working a puzzle. After a good hug and kiss good-bye, he reluctantly let us go and continued playing with the puzzle.

I was anxious at 2:00 to pick him up. I got there early and was standing in the hallway waiting for their “nap time” to end when one of the teacher’s assistants began talking to some of us in the hallway.

“There was only one little boy who had a really hard time this morning.”

My heart froze. “Was it Bryce? Red shirt?”

She gave me the most sympathetic look. My heart sank.


Apparently after he finished his puzzle, a moment of clarity hit when he saw that we were gone. It was THEN that he got really upset.

Guys, I DO NOT like knowing that my baby was up there crying, NEEDING me, but I wasn’t there. What a sick feeling that pushes into my gut!!

However, part of me knows that he’s also learning from this. I want him to be confident and able to manage social situations without having me shadow his every move.

But, but… he’s just a baby, and encouraging this type of independence is hard on me… and him… UGH!

I want him to be able to go and play and talk to the other children and have independence. Especially since Kindergarten will be full time next year.

Sophie had a few hard days in preschool, too, so I’m really hoping this will pass. Thing is, Soph was 8 months older AND is not nearly as headstrong as Bryce. Once he’s made up his mind that he doesn’t want to do something, HE WON’T.

When I picked him up, he was okay. As the day went on, he began opening up about his day and eventually told us that he really enjoyed it, LOVED his teacher (even drew her a picture), and was excited (his words) to go back.

Until today. He went back and forth – “I’m NOT GOING.” to “I’m so exciting to go to school!!” (“exciting” hee hee!)

He marched in there all smiles, put his backpack and lunch away, and began to play like a champ.

As the minutes grew on, he got more and more insecure.

When I asked for a hug good-bye, he grabbed onto my arm and began begging and crying.

This tears me up, you guys…

Chris and I walked him over to his chair where his teacher began the painting project they were going to do in an attempt to distract him.

No dice. Lots and lots of crying ensued.

Finally, his teacher picked him up so that Chris and I could leave. He was begging her, “PLEEEEASE put me down!!!!” and reaching his arm out for me.

I kept trying to verbally reassure him and TRIED not to linger… but I can’t help but to linger when my baby is begging for his Momma.

Eventually, we slid out of the door and stood in the hallway listening to him calm down some.

One of the other teachers went in to check on him and give us a report since I was too afraid to peek back in for fear he’d see me.

He was apparently watching out the window waiting to see us drive away. (I know, he’s torturing himself!)

Finally, Chris and I went out to our cars, whereupon I saw my crying baby in the 2nd story window. My heart just kept breaking…

I drove away, motioning and signing that I love him and smiling…

..and then I got into my car and drove to school bawling – as in, full-on-tears wailing.

It just really, really got to me. I said a prayer for my son that he would be protected and taken care of today… and that he would learn confidence and independence and have fun… and learn… and make friends.

I kept telling him it’s okay to be afraid and nervous… it’s supposed to be that way when you’ve never stayed anywhere with anyone other than your grandmother in your entire life with the exception of ONE day in the gym daycare room (and I didn’t like it so he didn’t go back).

By the time 2pm came around, I anxiously cleared the stairs to go and rescue my son from his torture. Our eyes met, and not only had he been smiling BEFORE he smiled at me, but the teacher reassured me that the moment our car was out of sight, he stopped crying. He told me about all the fun he’d had throughout the day, got his sucker “reward” for good behavior, and happily came home with me.

He’s still a bit back-and-forth about it. One minute he’s telling me how in love with his teacher he is, and the next, he’s telling me how he’s “never going back.”

It will break my heart every single time I leave him crying wanting me there, but I know it’s something I have to do. One of these days, the tables will turn, though, and I’ll be watching my grown baby boy walking away from ME, crying and reaching for him, as he finally takes that last flight out of the nest and becomes a man all on his own to raise a family… Until then, I’ll just soak in the fact that while we may be apart for a few hours a day, I can still rescue him and bring him back under my wings.